Top Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Posted: June 8, 2011 in Comedian Quotes

My friend said to me “I think the weather’s trippy.” And I said “No man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy. Perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy.” Then I thought “man, I should have just said ‘yeah’.”

I like escalators, because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an “escalator temporarily out of order” sign, just “Escalator temporarily stairs… sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.”

Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. Goddammit Otto, you’re an alcoholic! Goddammit Otto, you have lupus! One of those two doesn’t sound right.

I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on ’em. Hell yeah! Reminds me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque, and throw down on some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on… “you better flip that Frito dad, you know how I like it.”

I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut, man, I’ll just give you the money then you give me the doughnut! End of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can’t imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend… don’t even act like I didn’t get that doughnut! I got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it’s at home… in the file… under ‘D’.

When you go to a restaurant on the weekends, it’s busy, so they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say “Dufrene, party of 2. Table ready for Dufrene, party of 2.” And if no one answers, they’ll say their name again. “Dufrane, party of 2.” But then if no one answers they’ll just go right on to the next name. “Bush, party of 3.” Yeah… what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! You fuckers are selfish. The Dufrenes are in someone’s trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they’re hungry – that’s a double whammy. We need help. Bush, SEARCH party of 3! You can eat once you find the Dufrenes.

I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store and you stand in front of the lunchmeat section for too long, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. You see, like, turkey ham, turkey pastrami, turkey bologna… somebody needs to tell the turkeys, “man, just be yourself!”

I went to the Home Depot the other day, which was unnecessary… I need to go to the Apartment Depot, which is just a big warehouse with people standing around saying “hey, we ain’t gotta fix shit!”

Every book is a children’s book, if the kid can read!

The thing that’s depressing about tennis is, no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once… they’re freakin’ relentless!

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s