I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: Hope I don’t get chased today.Be nice to people in sneakers.
I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought, That is cool. But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, That is not cool. Then I figured it out: Cool is all about leather sleeves.
Sort ofis such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of – it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after “I love you” or “You’re going to live” or “It’s a boy.”
“I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it’s such a specific item. I don’t know that many words and I’m going out and I have pants. Perfect!
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults.
I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple youd be like Huh? What the hell is this?, but if its in a fruit basket you’re like This is nice!.
I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na’s are on this thing? Cause I’m like “Bana…keep going. Bananana, damn.”
I like clothes, you know. I dig fabrics. One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when youre in the woods it makes you blend in. But when youre not it does just the opposite. Its like, Hey, theres an asshole. But when youre in the woods youre like, Is there an asshole out here? They look like trees.
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle thats 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says “go outside.”
I like parties, but I dont like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, theres a donkey with some pizzazz. Lets kick its ass. What Im trying to say is, dont make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.
People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which theyre very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then theyre kind of hard to tell apart Especially if the human is kind of hairy.
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when Im swimming, sometimes Im not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants – uh oh. Bathing suit – okay. Naked – well see. Should I be swimming faster, or am I getting laid?
Saying Im sorry is the same as saying I apologize. Except at a funeral.
They say that you can tell man apart from other animals by his ability to reason. I think you could also go by last names. Whats his name? Patches? Patches what? Thats a dog. Dont waste my time.
Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ballgown.
One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think thats a bad thing, but to me thats just like starting certain words with a drum roll. Thats not an impediment, thats suspense! Whats he going to say? Car?? or Carnival?? Carburetor!?!? Man ”
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert. (Ladies, thats not true)
I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word fortnight.
I like video games, but theyre really violent. Id like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. Itd be called Really Busy Hospital.
I think vests are all about protection. You know what I mean? Like a lifevest protects you from drowning and bulletproof vests protect you from getting shot and the sweatervest protects you from pretty girls. Leave me alone. Cant you see Im cold just right here?
I went into a deli and got an egg sandwich and a hot chocolate. And then I went outside and I had to get a cab, so I had to put up one of my hands. But I already started eating my sandwich; I took it out of the bag, I was impatient. So my choice was hold up an egg sandwich or hold up a hot chocolate to get a car. So I chose the hot chocolate. And I put it up there and no cab stopped and I realized it was because I looked like I was toasting traffic. Standing on the street, Heres to you guys, to everybody heading west, I just wanna say I like what you do but one of you needs to stop, pick me up.
I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think thats to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldnt know if someone was stuttering. Yes, hello Id like some b-batteries. What kind? B-batteries. What kind?!? B-batteries!!! and D-batteries thats hard for foreigners. Yes, I would like de batteries.
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if hes persuasive. Dude make a left. Those are trees Trust me.
I like the beach. I like to get there really early before everyone else shows up and take like thirty bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water. Then I wait for everyone to come to the beach and when someone goes to pick up one of the bottles, I go up behind them because when they open it theres a note saying Im standing right behind you.
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now Im good at everything.
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said Happy Birthday on it. I didnt want to waste it so I just wrote Jesus on it.
I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And thats when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
I like sports; I like professional football. I like to get to the stadium and see the games live, you know. And I paint my chest before I leave the house. But I dont have many friends, you know, so I usually just do punctuation and tack on a group already in progress. But sometimes it works out kind of weird because we ended up on TV one time and it said JETS?
An easy way to sound like a creep is to add the word ladies to the end of things you say. It can be harmless too, but it just makes you a creep. Yeah after college I spent two years in the peace corps, ladies? The more harmless it is, the more of a creep you become. I broke my arm. I need help, ladies?
My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, youre stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem – just move on to the next. Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.
I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said if you need anything, Im Jill. Ive never met anyone with a conditional identity before.
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
“My friend Steve likes cats. People are always saying Oh, Steves really a cat person. No hes not. If Steve were a cat person it’d be, like, “Hey, Steve never goes in the pool.”
It was my friend’s birthday and I was mad at him, so I sent him a card. It said happy birthday, but I put quotes around the word “Happy” Happy sarcastic birthday, douchebag.
I think it would be cool, if you were writing a ransom note in Microsoft Word, and it popped up, the paperclip and said, It looks like you’re writing a ransom note, need some help? You should curse more. The paperclip would be all messed up, you know? I never saw a paperclip with tattoos before.
Graffiti I don’t like graffiti, unless it teaches me something, you know? Like “Oh, that’s how Alex feels about Maria. I wouldn’t have known if I had not walked by there, thank you. Graffiti’s the most passionate literature there is, you know? Its always like “Bush sucks!”, U2 Rocks! I want to make indifferent graffiti. Toy Story 2 was okay! I like Sheryl as a friend, but I’m not sure about taking things further, This is a bridge!, That guy’s right!
I was in a shoe store and the guys call me boss, and I said, Ya, can i just get those sneakers in a 10? And uh, he said, Okay and then he went down stairs. He came back and he said, I don’t have a 10, I have a 9. Oh great, because while you were downstairs, my toes were severed off. So that works out. Normally it would be stupid for you to tell me a number different than the one I said, cause it goes with my body part. But given my very recent accident, you’re right on. Ill take the 9s and a pile of band-aids, thank you. Youre re-hired cause youre a genius.”
A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like Whats your favorite color? A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like Whats your favorite color person?
My friend had a burrito. The next day he said, That burrito did not agree with me. I was like, Was the disagreement over whether or not you’d have diarrhea? Let me guess who won.I tried to reason with it, I insisted, you know. I was like, I wanna go outside, I like these pants, but the burrito had his way.
I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else. And I said, “I am.”