I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: ‘Hope I don’t get chased today.’Be nice to people in sneakers.’”

I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought, ‘That is cool.’ But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, ‘That is not cool’. Then I figured it out: ‘Cool’ is all about leather sleeves.”

Sort of’is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of – it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after “I love you” or “You’re going to live” or “It’s a boy.”’”

“I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it’s such…a specific item. I don’t know that many words and I’m going out and I have pants. Perfect!”

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults.”

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you’d be like ‘Huh? What the hell is this?’, but if it’s in a fruit basket you’re like ‘This is nice!.’”

I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na’s are on this thing? ‘Cause I’m like “Bana…keep going. Bananana, damn.”’

I like clothes, you know. I dig fabrics. One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you’re in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you’re not it does just the opposite. It’s like, ‘Hey, there’s an asshole.’ But when you’re in the woods you’re like, ‘Is there an asshole out here?’ They look like trees.”

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says “go outside.”’”

I like parties, but I don’t like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there’s a donkey with some pizzazz. Let’s kick its ass. What I’m trying to say is, don’t make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.”

People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they’re very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they’re kind of hard to tell apart… Especially if the human is kind of hairy.”

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I’m swimming, sometimes I’m not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants – uh oh. Bathing suit – okay. Naked – we’ll see. Should I be swimming faster, or am I getting laid?”

Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize.’ Except at a funeral.”

They say that you can tell man apart from other animals by his ability to reason. I think you could also go by last names. What’s his name? Patches? Patches what? That’s a dog. Don’t waste my time.”

Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ballgown.”

One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that’s a bad thing, but to me that’s just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That’s not an impediment, that’s suspense! What’s he going to say? Car?? …or Carnival?? …Carburetor!?!? Man… ”

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”

About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like ‘Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.’ (Ladies, that’s not true)”

I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word ‘fortnight.’”

I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.’”

I think vests are all about protection. You know what I mean? Like a lifevest protects you from drowning and bulletproof vests protect you from getting shot and the sweatervest protects you from pretty girls. ‘Leave me alone. Can’t you see I’m cold just right here?’”

I went into a deli and got an egg sandwich and a hot chocolate. And then I went outside and I had to get a cab, so I had to put up one of my hands. But I already started eating my sandwich; I took it out of the bag, I was impatient. So my choice was hold up an egg sandwich or hold up a hot chocolate to get a car. So I chose the hot chocolate. And I put it up there and no cab stopped and I realized it was because I looked like I was toasting traffic. Standing on the street, ‘Here’s to you guys, to everybody heading west, I just wanna say I like what you do… but one of you needs to stop, pick me up.’”

I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that’s to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn’t know if someone was stuttering. ‘Yes, hello I’d like some b-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries.’ ‘What kind?!?’ B-batteries!!!’ and D-batteries that’s hard for foreigners. ‘Yes, I would like de batteries.’”

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive. ‘Dude make a left.’ ‘Those are trees…’ ‘Trust me.’

I like the beach. I like to get there really early before everyone else shows up and take like thirty bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water. Then I wait for everyone to come to the beach and when someone goes to pick up one of the bottles, I go up behind them because when they open it there’s a note saying ‘I’m standing right behind you.’”

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.”

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said ‘Happy Birthday’ on it. I didn’t want to waste it so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.”

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.”

I like sports; I like professional football. I like to get to the stadium and see the games live, you know. And I paint my chest before I leave the house. But I don’t have many friends, you know, so I usually just do punctuation and tack on a group already in progress. But sometimes it works out kind of weird because we ended up on TV one time and it said ‘JETS?’”

An easy way to sound like a creep is to add the word ‘ladies’ to the end of things you say. It can be harmless too, but it just makes you a creep. ‘Yeah after college I spent two years in the peace corps, ladies?’ The more harmless it is, the more of a creep you become. ‘I broke my arm. I need help, ladies?’”

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. ‘Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you’re stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem – just move on to the next. ‘Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.’”

I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said “if you need anything, I’m Jill”. I’ve never met anyone with a conditional identity before.”

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”

“My friend Steve likes cats. People are always saying “Oh, Steve’s really a cat person”. No he’s not. If Steve were a cat person it’d be, like, “Hey, Steve never goes in the pool.”

It was my friend’s birthday and I was mad at him, so I sent him a card. It said happy birthday, but I put quotes around the word “Happy” Happy sarcastic birthday, douchebag.

I think it would be cool, if you were writing a ransom note in Microsoft Word, and it popped up, the paperclip and said, “It looks like you’re writing a ransom note, need some help? You should curse more.” The paperclip would be all messed up, you know? I never saw a paperclip with tattoos before.

Graffiti… I don’t like graffiti, unless it teaches me something, you know? Like “Oh, that’s how Alex feels about Maria. I wouldn’t have known if I had not walked by there, thank you.” Graffiti’s the most passionate literature there is, you know? It’s always like “Bush sucks!”, U2 Rocks!  I want to make indifferent graffiti. “Toy Story 2 was okay! I like Sheryl as a friend, but I’m not sure about taking things further, This is a bridge!”, “That guy’s right!”

I was in a shoe store and the guys call me boss, and I said, “Ya, can i just get those sneakers in a 10?” And uh, he said, “Okay” and then he went down stairs. He came back and he said, “I don’t have a 10, I have a 9.” “Oh great, because while you were downstairs, my toes were severed off. So that works out. Normally it would be stupid for you to tell me a number different than the one I said, ’cause it goes with my body part. But given my very recent accident, you’re right on. I’ll take the 9’s and a pile of band-aids, thank you. You’re re-hired ’cause you’re a genius.”

A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like “What’s your favorite color?” A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like “What’s your favorite color…person?”

My friend had a burrito. The next day he said, “That burrito did not agree with me.” I was like, “Was the disagreement over whether or not you’d have diarrhea? Let me guess who won.”I tried to reason with it, I insisted, you know. I was like, I wanna go outside, I like these pants, but the burrito had his way.

I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, “I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.” And I said, “I am.”

Protect yourself from bed bugs by following some basic steps once you check into a hotel room.

If you are like me, and travel often, you may have wondered if your hotel room has Bed Bugs in it.  I know it’s a nasty thought and will no doubt leave you with the “crawlies” just to think about it.  But do you even know what to look for? Where to look? the symptoms of bed bugs?  well, rest easy…here are some tips to help you feel more comfortable in your hotel room.

 First of all, let’s talk about a few facts about Bed Bugs.  I am not an expert and actually know very little about them, which may be the reason for the paranoia.  However, my brother-in-law owns Beeline Pest Control in Colorado and they specialize in bed bugs.  In fact, he told me that about 90% of their current business is bed bugs, so I defer to their training and expertise.  Bed bugs are small, flat wingless insects that are reddish-brown in color and approximately one-quarter inch long, before feeding (about the size and shape of a small apple seed).  They hide during the day on beds (mattress seams, box springs, bed frames, headboards) and in cracks and crevices of walls, floors and furniture. They come out at night. They do not fly or jump, but they can crawl rapidly.

 Tip #1: USE THE LUGGAGE RACK!!! 

In talking with the experts, they said that way to ensure that no bed bugs hitch a ride back home with you is to out your luggage on the rack.  A lot of people throw them onto the bed or on the floor to unpack or grab stuff…bad idea. Bed Bugs are hitch hikers and that is the perfect opportunity for them to find a new bed….YOURS!

 Tip #2: Check the mattress.

The first thing I do in a hotel after I put my suitcase on the rack, is pull the bed sheet up so I can see the side of the mattress, checking along the seam of the mattress (in the middle).  Then I lift up the mattress and look at the side of the box spring as well as the top of the box spring.  At the same time, I also look at the bottom of the mattress.

 Tip #3: Check behind the headboard with a flashlight.

As a traveler, I never thought about taking a flashlight with me on a business trip.  However, this makes a lot of sense for many reasons.  You can buy those LED flashlights at the gas station or at Wal-Mart or places like that and they cost a few bucks and are usually very compact and will fit in one of those pockets in your suitcase that you never use anyway, so its no sweat to haul around with you.  If your hotel ever loses power or your rental car ever has an issue, you will be glad you have it.

Anyway, back to the issue at hand.  use the flashlight to check behind the headboard (which isn’t easy, but worth it).  Just looking behind quickly may not give you the right light to see anything if it is there.  A lot of the headboards are secured to the wall.  If that is the case, move on to the next tip.

Tip #4: Check on the back of the end tables with the flashlight.

Again, as with the headboard, just remember that bed bugs are nocturnal and do not want to be found, so you are looking in the places that get skipped or missed in cleaning the room, away from your view.

Tip #5: Check under the drawer of the end tables.

After you are done inspecting the back of the end table, pull the drawer of the end table out as far as it will go (or completely out if it will let you, don’t break anything). Look underneath the drawer for any bugs sleeping or any eggs.  I know it sounds gross, but this is one of the first places an exterminator will look when inspecting a room for bed bugs.

Tip #6: When you get home, throw your close into the dryer and check your bag.

I may be a little over the top, but if you had family that owns an extermination business you would understand how it messes with your head.  My suitcase never makes to my bedroom.  I stop off in the laundry room and toss my clothes into the dryer for a cycle before washing.  Then I inspect my bags and look it over, then I put my suitcase away (in my case, in our basement closet with the others.

I know this seems like a lot, but if you are like me, the thought of these bugs in my room is well worth the thorough check…then I rest better and it makes my trips much more relaxing or focused for business.  Ok, so now that I have run through my SOP (standard operating procedure) for hotel rooms, let me answer the questions:

What am I looking for?   You are looking for 5 things…Their poop, the actual bug, their shedding shell, their eggs or small blood stains.

Lifting the mattress can show signs of bed bugs

 
The signs of bed bugs
 

Look for bed bugs around the seam area of the mattress

What  do they look like?  

Here is a picture of the ugly bastards.

Nasty, here is a bed bug up close

How do I know if I have been bit?  You may experience large red bumps and welts, multiple red marks in line formation, extreme irritation and itch, slight burning sensation, dramatic swelling, blistered inflammations.

 

 

 

 

Top Jack Handy Quotes

Posted: June 8, 2011 in Comedian Quotes

Here are the top Jack Handy Quotes that I love.  If you think I am missing any, I’d love to hear from you!

One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn’t know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.  

 I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not?

 Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words: “mank” and “ind”. What do these words mean? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.

 If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? Treasure chests with no handles. How the hell are you supposed to carry it?!

 Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

 As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

 I’m not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a billion ants just to AIM a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I’m doing while they’re aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.

 I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo! I’d have all my money back.

 I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn’t say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there’s a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.

 Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE’S GOING?!

 I’m telling you, just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF! Is anyone listening to me?!

 Sometimes I wonder if I’m patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.

 If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape got caught on something and you couldn’t get it unhooked, and you had to ask another barbarian to unhook it for you.

 It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away from the first fight.

 When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, “Hey, good job.”

 I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.

 I’d like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he’s flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that’s a documentary!

 If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that’s another weakness.

 If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

 I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our “friend.”

 Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

 Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now.

 If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.”

 In weightlifting, I don’t think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.

 When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, “No speaka English.”

 The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, “Go ahead and do whatever you want, it’s okay by me.”

 Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy’s arm behind his back. NOW who’s asking the questions?

 If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that’s all I have to say.

 When you go to a party at somebody’s house, don’t automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often.

 If you’re an archeologist, I bet it’s real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it’s not a skull but just an old dried-out potato.

 If I ever get real rich, I hope I’m not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

 Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.

 I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

 I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it.

 If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.

 If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn’t open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

 I can’t stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, “Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?” or “Do you have that $50 you borrowed?” Man, quit being so cheap!

 It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at the Marineland says, “You can’t throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish.” Sure they eat fish, if that’s all you give them. Man, wise up.

 I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, “What was THAT?!”

 It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money. And I guess that’s what I like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

 I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

 Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

 One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said, “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

 Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don’t know what your rights are, or who the person is you’re talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.

 If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let’em go, because, man, they’re gone.

 To me, it’s a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, “Hey, can you give me a hand?” – you can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.”

  Istead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that’s like a regular window.

 Most of the time in the Middle Ages it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you’d look out your little window and think, “Boy, I’m glad I’m not out in that.”

 When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

 I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he’s so busy, you’d probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.

Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, “Okay, as long as it’s not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know.” He started telling his story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: “This story isn’t too long.” But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, “Uh-oh, this story is getting long.” But then the story was over, and I said to myself: “You know, that story wasn’t too long after all.” I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you’re in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don’t know what to tell you.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, and how the children would laugh and laugh at me. I vowed, then and there, that I would get revenge.

It takes a big man to cry.  But it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

Top Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Posted: June 8, 2011 in Comedian Quotes

My friend said to me “I think the weather’s trippy.” And I said “No man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy. Perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy.” Then I thought “man, I should have just said ‘yeah’.”

I like escalators, because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an “escalator temporarily out of order” sign, just “Escalator temporarily stairs… sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.”

Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. Goddammit Otto, you’re an alcoholic! Goddammit Otto, you have lupus! One of those two doesn’t sound right.

I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on ’em. Hell yeah! Reminds me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque, and throw down on some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on… “you better flip that Frito dad, you know how I like it.”

I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut, man, I’ll just give you the money then you give me the doughnut! End of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can’t imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend… don’t even act like I didn’t get that doughnut! I got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it’s at home… in the file… under ‘D’.

When you go to a restaurant on the weekends, it’s busy, so they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say “Dufrene, party of 2. Table ready for Dufrene, party of 2.” And if no one answers, they’ll say their name again. “Dufrane, party of 2.” But then if no one answers they’ll just go right on to the next name. “Bush, party of 3.” Yeah… what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! You fuckers are selfish. The Dufrenes are in someone’s trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they’re hungry – that’s a double whammy. We need help. Bush, SEARCH party of 3! You can eat once you find the Dufrenes.

I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store and you stand in front of the lunchmeat section for too long, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. You see, like, turkey ham, turkey pastrami, turkey bologna… somebody needs to tell the turkeys, “man, just be yourself!”

I went to the Home Depot the other day, which was unnecessary… I need to go to the Apartment Depot, which is just a big warehouse with people standing around saying “hey, we ain’t gotta fix shit!”

Every book is a children’s book, if the kid can read!

The thing that’s depressing about tennis is, no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once… they’re freakin’ relentless!

So, my friend showed me her new GPS watch.  This thing is really cool and has so many functions on it.  It monitors speed, pace, distance, location and heart rate and even tells you the elevation you are running at. It is also waterproof and works multi-sports activities, you can use it to analyse your performance from start to finish.

My Take:  I like the overall concept and the design is pretty cool.  It has a HUGE face on it….which rules out any future purchase for myself, as I have small women’s wrist ( I am a man).  My idea would be that you could program the watch with an IPOD.  When your speed slows down or pace is lacking, then a motivated voice begins to talk to you.  But in this program, the voice uses sarcasm to motivate the runner. “Are you serious?” or  “No.no.no….you have worked so hard already today” “I honestly do not believe that you have it in you to pull this run out?  I mean really? and finally “You really need to pick it up, all signs in here point to a very unfit unhealthy person.  This way the runner gets back with a seriously low self-esteem and perhaps shaved time off their previous run.